I studied mother and father of very profitable youngsters for 10 years – 5 issues they do in another way

I have always been fascinated by families whose children seem to be unusual to reach the top of their career ladder or, even more interesting for me, blazing paths or their passions with spectacular results.

What did your parents do differently to strengthen them? What do the researchers really know about what is effective to offer children the support they need to be successful? In view of the fact that siblings are often so different, what seemed to be helpful across the board seemed to be helpful?

For my book “The Family Dynamic: A trip to the secrets of sibling success”, I interviewed dozens of parents with high performance of children and interviewed well over 100 experts. As the mother of twin boy who are now teenagers, this was the most convincing.

1. Optimism is everything

You can provide the entire enrichment of the world and encourage your child to exceed at school. However, if there is no feeling of the possibility, you may only be able to bring it so far.

I was amazed at the consistency of the prospects of the parents I interviewed who encouraged their children to think great, to feel hope and to stay positive.

Marilyn Holifield, one of three siblings from Tallahassee, who became influential civil rights activists, told me that the unspoken motto in her household was “possible”. And Amalia Murgguia, who tall seven children under modest circumstances, some of whom became national personalities (in philanthropy, civil rights and federal courts), would also say: “With God's help, everything is possible.”

2. You have to know your child – and adapt your motivation approach to you

A fascinating study showed that parents often do not know what to say when children say that they do not want to attend mathematics and natural sciences courses that can be crucial for the academic success.

The following researchers offer brochures and website links to help parents adapt their motivation to their own children. For example, if your child wanted to be professional football players, the parents may say: “Oh, if you are a professional athlete, you have to be able to stay up to date on what can be up to date on this salary scale.”

If you tell the children that they should concentrate on something practical, they will not inspire them. Instead, the parents should concentrate on what this learning would seem valuable for their children due to their interests. The satellite scores of children whose parents used this approach (compared to the parents who were assigned to a control) became 12% higher with ACT mathematics and natural sciences.

3 .. Understand that learning and strengthening can happen anywhere

A study This found that parents often underestimate how capable their children are – and how much they will learn to try daily tasks.

The experimenters gave 4-year-olds in a children's museum the opportunity to dress in hockey equipment, and some parents were reminded that children could learn to attract themselves. They leaned back and let the child find out the various carriers and how they put on the equipment that did it successfully.

Children are able to do more than we think-and we know that the parents when they intervene is demotivating, so we should promote self-sufficiency instead of being afraid of the little ones.

Jeannine Groff, the mother of an Olympian, an award -winning novelist and a series entrepreneur, showed me how to keep all plastic dishes and cups on the bottom of the lower cabinet in her kitchen so that their grandchildren can operate themselves.

Learning not only comes from puzzles and books. It happens in everyday activities.

4. It is not just hard work and grit – a real love for knowledge matters

In particular, developmental psychologists have been from research on how to promote hard work, and to research how to promote a love of learning and deep curiosity.

So many of the parents I wrote about in my book seemed to believe that travel is a way to promote this, and some research pieces support this way of thinking. The Emanuels – three famous brothers, who were at the top of the areas of entertainment, political and bioethical fields – said their father believed: “It was absolutely necessary to understand the world and themselves.”

I remember that I interviewed the parents of an incredible siblings in a number of incredible siblings, for which trips were so important that they were saved a long trip all year round. And they brought homemade snacks worth two weeks so that they didn't have to pay for it on the street.

5. Do not motivate your children by being a “coach”, but with love

All of these lessons have in common that the parents I have interviewed have made love and joy to help their children grow. For the most part they were there to support their children, but did not see themselves as their coaches and critics.

Diane Paulus, the Broadway director, danced the American Ballet Theater at a very young age, but for me personally, her mother's approach was an inspiring model. Her mother, she said, had a way to “watch” without any desire.

Our task is to complain about our children the opportunities, to know them well enough to motivate them with love, and then offer their own wishes the entire drive they need.

Susan owner has been working for the New York Times since 2007, first as a metro columnist and then as a team author of the New York Times Magazine. In 2018 she was part of a team that won a Pulitzer Prize for the public service for his reporting on sexual harassment at work, and her article on menopause in the New York Times Magazine was won in 2024. She teaches journalism at Yale University and her new book “The Family Dynamic: A Journey in the Mystery Ssibling Success”, “Success” is “now.” Follow her on Instagram @suedominus.

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