If you've ever had the unfortunate experience of saying the wrong thing at a staff meeting or a friend's housewarming party, you know how easy it is to screw up small talk.
It can be difficult to navigate everyday interactions, but they are incredibly important to master. Small talk can help you bond with an evasive CEO or a hard-to-please in-law.
This year, CNBC Make It interviewed dozens of experts about what to say, what questions to ask, and what key mistakes to avoid when you find yourself in a room with no friends.
Here are 12 of her best pieces of advice.
1. Don't try to be cool or deep
Any lasting connection, whether personal or professional, likely began with an innocuous comment, voice coach John Bowe wrote for CNBC Make It.
Instead of focusing on saying something “deep” or “cool,” simply make an observation about your surroundings. Say, “Do you know anyone here? “I thought I knew more people” or “What do you think of the venue?” is a risk-free way to start the conversation.
“None of these opening statements are likely to win you the Pulitzer Prize, but exchanging pleasantries doesn’t mean you’re being superficial or fake,” he says. “You’re putting yourself out there. If your words aren’t particularly original, then what?”
2. Streamline the boring questions
Just because your question is low-risk doesn't mean it has to be boring. There are easy ways to turn seemingly pre-written questions into more interesting questions, says Nicholas Epley, a psychology professor at the University of Chicago.
“It may seem difficult to rephrase questions in a vulnerable way, but it's actually pretty easy once you look for it,” she says.
Epley suggests the following trades:
- Instead of “Are you married?” try: “Tell me about your family.”
- Instead of “Do you have any hobbies?” ask, “If you could learn anything, what would it be?”
- Instead of “Where did you go to high school?” ask, “What advice would you give to a high school senior?”
- Instead of “Where are you from?” ask, “What’s the best thing about where you grew up?”
3. Focus on the other person
It's easy to get caught up in thinking, “Am I weird?” or “Does the other person like me?” These internal comments can distract from actually engaging with the other person, says Bowe.
“You asked this person for their attention; now give her yours,” Bowe says. “Focus on what they are saying and try to understand why they are saying it.”
Focus on what they are saying and try to understand why they are saying it.
4. Use “Support Replies”
People who are good at small talk use “supportive responses,” Matt Abrahams, a Stanford University lecturer and communications expert, wrote last year.
When someone tells a story, a person comfortable with small talk responds in a way that shows they want to know more. Let's say a colleague is talking about his annoying roommate. The opposite of a support response is a “shift response,” where you turn the conversation back to yourself.
A supportive answer would be to ask how they met their roommate or how long they have lived together. A shift response would be to talk about your own bad experience with a roommate.
5. Nod more
Being good at small talk usually means having high emotional intelligence. People with high EQ understand that body language is just as important as spoken words, says Abrahams.
“People with a higher EQ are more open in their posture, they nod more often,” says Abrahams.
6. Match the other person's energy
Another characteristic of a person with high emotional intelligence is that they are able to recognize the mood of a conversation and adjust that energy. This tool, known as mirroring, can be helpful in small talk.
Pay attention to the other person's tone and facial expressions. When they enthusiastically tell you about their day, your response should reflect that feeling.
7. Acknowledge the other person
Small talk is not the time to share hard truths. Whether you agree with or relate to another person, you want them to feel heard and seen.
You can do this by asking them more questions about themselves, says Abrahams, and giving more “back-channel” answers, like “uh-huh” and “I see.”
8. Avoid controversial topics
Small talk is also not the time to solve the world's problems. Abortion, banned books, vaccinations – all these topics are taboo and should best be avoided.
“If you become interested in these topics later, that’s great,” Bowe says. “But to start, aim for something simple and obvious that you and the other person can observe together.”
…start by aiming for something simple and obvious that you and the other person can observe together.
9. Formulate some questions
Veteran television journalist SuChin Pak has interviewed some of pop culture's biggest icons, including Britney Spears and Oprah. It's rare, she says, that you don't know what to say to someone. When it happens, she has a “secret” for small talk that everyone can use.
Your biggest tip for keeping a conversation going no matter the setting? “Always have a few questions in your bag that work for everyone,” she told CNBC Make It.
Her two favorite questions to ask new acquaintances are: “What do you want people to get out of what you do?” and “How did you start doing X?”
10. Ask for advice
An easy way to flatter someone during small talk without giving a direct compliment is to ask them for advice.
A series of studies from Harvard University and the University of Pennsylvania found that we like people who ask us for advice more than people who wish us well. We tend to think, “You were smart to ask me for advice because I’m smart.”
The topic doesn't have to be deep. Let's say you're moving soon. An easy way to start a conversation and flatter the other person is to ask someone, “How did you decide which movers to use?”
11. Do not interrupt a conversation in progress
Don't rush into a conversation, says Bowe. If someone is telling a very animated story, it's best not to interfere. “First, wait for a break,” he says. “Then once you have someone’s attention and, ideally, non-verbal consent, that’s your chance.”
12. Put your phone away
Phones constantly notify us about things that are not very urgent. You can probably go an hour without checking who texted you or read the latest headline. It may be a good idea to silence your notifications before you encounter a situation that requires you to be present or alert.
“When you talk to someone, talk to them,” Bowe says. “Don’t stare at the floor or look over someone’s shoulder. Put your phone away. Be present and give the person your full attention.”
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